A post inspired by a quick little splinter...

I would like to write about my 'real life' and blog friend (well, lets call her a friend; I certainly like her and hope she likes me back, even though we haven't really ever 'hung out'), Rachael.

I first met Rach at the beginning of 2006 in our Honours class, and to be honest, I felt quite reserved about her at first. Here was this incredibly outspoken, intelligent, articulate, fairly open, slightly androgynous, chick from ANU who marched straight into my Melbourne Uni classes and was stealing the show. After a year off uni I was expecting to be a little out of it, but Rach outright intimidated me with her manner and opinions (not on purpose, I know Rach). As time went on, and I got to spend more class time with Rach, I started to learn more about her personality. There was definite substance behind the confidence, she was very witty and quick, and quite self deprecating. She was also generous and gracious about her intelligence and knowledge, and absolutely open to discussion. Of course, it turned out I was intimidated because of my own insecurities, not because of Rach.

I quickly learned that Rach had a blog, and around the same time I started this craptastic endeavor. Rach's blog has always been a great read. Apart from her accomplished writing skills, her blog is consistently funny and insightful. through the Internet I learned the cyber-Rach, who coexisted with uni Rach. Through both, I came to hold ach on quite the little pedestal throughout the year. Her results and subsequent admission for a PhD is a good confirmation of her position in my mind.

Okay okay, where is all this mundane arse-kissing going, you ask? No, as dishy Rach is, I'm not trying to get into her skinny jeans... She once told me she was 'the worst lesbian ever,' meaning, I gathered, that she does occasionally go for those boy-things you see around the place. I have to confess I'm not even a little bit lesbian, I exclusively go for those boy-things.

I'm writing this because within the last month an on-off heterosexual relationship I was in ended, just like Rach, I got a job at the same company as Rach, and I graduated from my degree, sitting right next to Rach on the night. I also just read this post, which moved me to respond. It has all inspired a post.

She wrote:

It's amazing how quickly love can turn you into someone you didn't want to be.

Lately I've been thinking of getting another tattoo, some words from the Great Gatsby. I can't find the exact quote right now, but it was something like 'there is only the loved and the loving, the busy and the tired.' A neat little aphorism, but one of those things that seem so true it aches. Which one are you? Which have you been? What's next?

Aches is right, Rach. I'm the loving type. I'm sure. And I was someone I didn't want to be. And my experiences over the past year have scared me... I think its how I will always be. I've been consoling myself with the hope that one day I will be in a relationship with love flowing both ways... Isn't that what it is supposed to be like? Rach says in her comments that she is becoming increasingly cynical about the nature of heterosexual relationships... I hope she is wrong, but there is a part of me that understands her completely, and that dreads the upcoming years: the pain, the mistakes I will make. But it does all feel inevitable.

Putting on my graduation robes, cracking it at my mother for playing with my hood, sitting through the ceremony... I realised how much my degree meant to me. I'm the first person in my father's immigrant side to gain a degree, and I did something I really wasn't sure I could do. And my year was both enriched and diminished by one person who in January 2006 I wouldn't have known from Adam, but by May was like a drug.

I've got so much I need to do before I become that inevitable woman Rach mentions. I have things I've got to get out. Because I will be loving, I need to give myself the time before 2 or 3 people take all my energy and I become 'tired' again.

And Rach, it was my honour to sit next to you last night at graduation, you ruled our year. My sincere congratulations, and good luck for your upcoming research. What you wrote really affected me, thank you. And if its any consolation, remember: you communicate. From your sophisticated writing to your cod tattoo, you give out messages, and that's a great advantage. And its pretty cool.