Australian Idol - The 4th Judge #3

This week I was thinking of writing a bit about high/low cultures, left-wing subcultures, and Australian Idol...

.....I couldn't be stuffed. But trust me, it would've been great.


Show (#1 Hits):


Klancie Keough
Ugh, weak vocal entry, quite pitchy and too breathy. Mr Myagi is playing guitar. She looks preggers! This performance is really laking oomph. Just really crappy all round, and I really don't like her. Terrible song choice. There is nothing more daggy than her. God I love Mark. God I hate Marcia and he-who-shall-not-be-named.

Damian Lieth
"If Tomorrow Never Comes." Diction's not the best. He's breathing the ends of phrases. My friend and I had a discussion about Damian, she reckons he's ugly and his teeth are "fucking bad." I don't think they're "fucking" bad, and the addition of the 5 o'clock shadow is working for him. His speaking voice is that of a jockey. Sad for him.

Lavina Williams
Lavina is looking very Missy Elliot in her rehearsal getup, its a terrible look. Mehates it. Her song choice is too "disco," and "Marcia Hines" - what will she sing in the disco week? Its also dated and she's laking the intensity and oomph of previous weeks. Stupid key changes for the sake of them really annoy me. MARCIA STOP IT WITH THE JIVE TALK! Everyone goes on with how good is the band is - they could be better, they can be seriously bland.

Chris Murphy
Pretty good song choice, "Against All Odds" is a guilty pleasure song for me. Its a pretty lackluster arrangement, and I'm not feeling it from him either. His voice is thin by nature, but I'm feeling it's not really enough. Phil Collins is a very emotive writer and singer. Its lacking. I hate how Marcia thinks a singer can "defend" themselves by saying how they "thought is went." Hello? Who gives a shit what they thought?

Dean Geyer
I really don't like this kid. I really don't like this song either. I feel a bit cheated by him. He presented very 'real' in early auditions, and he's turned into Anthony Callea v.2.0 - "Mr Slick." However, this was his best performance. Well done Dean, I gotta hand it to you. Except I really hated the dance moves. Everything else I can't fault. Damn.

"Mutto"
I'm sorry, did you sing something?

Jessica Mauboy
OH GOD PLEASE LET THIS BE A TOUCHDOWN! - before performance
No, no it wasn't. How so not a touchdown, the band are so lackluster - After performance
Or maybe it was - After Mark
She may now win. TDs do great for the win factor. And it was a great comeback to the "jelly belly" comment. Good on you Jess, still my favorite.






Except that dress made her look fat.

Bobby Flynn
Great song for him. You Rock Bobby. He's mumbling a bit. He's doing it "Bobby Style." As much as it's fun being done Bobby Style, its not working. It wasn't Bobby Styled enough.
Marcia, you are not a therapist. I wouldn't talk to you if I was on an deserted island and the only way I could get off said island was to decipher your talk and relay it through a transistor radio. Same to you Kyle. As if Bobby's going to talk on national TV about his personal problems.

Ricky Muscat
Hate the keyboard. I really like his ends of phrases - its different. There's really not much to
fault there. I disagree with Mark. I thought he controlled it pretty well.

James just mentioned "Idol Bloggers." Yay.

Lisa Mitchell
My mum calls her: "the one like every other 16 year old girl in Australia who talks her way through songs."
GREAT SONG CHOICE FINALLY MOTHERFUCKERS!
Still hate the way she doesn't finish words. She's just so apathetic. So "Hello Kitty."



All in all, Mutto should go. Or Klancie - she's crappier than crap. dean improved this week, as did Jessica and Ricky. I hope Bobby is safe.





Verdict:



Doing this from Uni so I'm relying on the message boards for info.



It seems Lavina, Dean and Klancie are the final 3.



And Klancie has gone. The hooker-with-a-heart-o-gold, poster girl for the Nationals, has been rejected by the Aussie public.


*single tear of pride/joy*


Good. Very good indeed. Thank you and goodnight.


Silly how Dean had a good week and was bottom 3 and Mutto and Lisa are safe. Not cool.


Its hilarious how quickly this idea is running out of steam. It reminds me of my childhood and everything was started enthusiastically and then ran out of steam. In fact, nothing has changed.

Next week: Song from year of birth. Wow, Lisa can sing Groove is in the Heart. Awesome. I bet she WROCKS it.


Bye bye for now.

See! Preggers.

Source: Australian Idol Website

I'd like to meet someone who watches "Cold Case"

Yeah, the title kinda says it all.

Australian Idol - The 4th Judge #2

Source: Telegraph

I reckon Idol's got it tough this year. It has to follow Meerkat Manor. On Meerkat Manor, I get to watch baby meerkats run around and cower from owls. That's pretty hard to beat.

Tonight is rock night. I predict Mutto and Chris will do well, and hopefully Bobby and Ricky will perform well. I also hope little Jessica shines. The rest could die from syphilis, I wouldn't notice.

As a tribute to this show's superior lead-in, I will be grading tonight's performances out of 5 Baby Meerkats:

Show (Rock):


Ricky Muscat
He looks good, I like the T-Shirt. He's very strong on stage, and he's got a really cool voice. He's also showing a good level of versatility. But he should watch his dynamics. He starts at about 8-9 and has little to go. I think he was told that in the semis. He overkills at times. But I really like him and it was a good start to the show. Nice song choice too.
4 out of 5 Baby Meerkats.


Lisa Mitchell
"My style is...um...like...cute and stuff. I dunno. Like, folky and stuff."
Did she miss her entry? It was a very timid first few bars. She has a goofy "this is so embarrassing guys, OMG!" look on her face while singing. So immature. I really don't think this girl is up to this competition. Metamorphasise? Marcia, please, I could be wrong, but that's not a word. Don't start with this crap. God she (Marcia) annoys me. Lisa can't take this criticism, she's acting like a spoiled brat up there. "Well, what can I do?" she asks, defiantly. The answer is nothing. She's really too immature. Its not happening.
2 out of 5 Baby Meerkats.


"Mutto"
Why is he singing another mid-tempo rock ballad? He should've taken this week by the balls. Just because Mark says you're intense and vulnerable doesn't mean you should do that all the time. Oooohhh, he can't make the pitch up high. Yikes that's ugly. Bad stage movement at the end. He's likable. Don't make excuses for him Marcia! I'm really going to be hating Marcia tonight, she's really shitting me more than usual. Did he just "God bless" the audience? I disagree with the judges, not the best song choice, too safe. And I'm not crazy about the vote grabbing.
2 1/2 out of 5 Baby Meerkats.


Klancie Keough
Ahh, my favorite. What kind of a name is "Klancie?" Singing "Keep Your Hands to Yourself." She sounds breathless, shaky, bad eye contact with audience. Isn't breaking her voice strongly enough for me to be convinced it's intentional. And she still looks cheap. I think she will always look cheap. Great song choice. Pity the band sound crap! Mark is right about her not being contemporary enough. I'm really unconvinced with the true quality of her voice. She's picking safe songs for her and only just scraping through vocally. She'll crash and burn. I hope.
2 1/2 out of 5 Baby Meerkats.


Bobby Flynn
Cool! He' a werewolf! Oh, no he's not. Damn, that would be cool. Like this arrangement a lot. Wow, I actually really liked that. I liked that better than last week. He's not hit top for me yet, but I like contestants who are really gutsy arrangers (unlike Mutto who rearranges very predictably).
3 1/2 out of 5 Baby Meerkats.


Reigan Derry
She looks dead inside tonight. Sounds a bit Christian rock. What was that at the end? Damn, that sounded crapola. I feel like an idiot, because I don't know that song. She was a little pitchy, but she looked great. Mark's right, she didn't nail it. And it was a pretty crap song choice.
2 out of 5 Baby Meerkats.


Damian Leith
GREAT SONG CHOICE FOR YOUR VOICE DAMIAN! Why are you slurring into the chorus? You're lucky you're so well suited vocally to this, because you're not performing your best. You didn't need to falsetto that last bit. It's getting tired. Mark's right, he's holding notes for too long. Kyle, why do you feel the need to be the style council, you're a tool.
3 out of 5 Baby Meerkats.


Jessica Mauboy
She's a cutie. A bit of a safe choice, and she's mimicking the sound of Clarkson's voice. She's doing that thing I hate and singing just like the record, showing no musical initiative, aside from the old vocal run. But I still like her, and she nailed that high note, unlike Reigan. In fact she was quite on pitch the whole way. I HATE when Marcia talks jive. GO JAMES! GO ANDY G! Defending that puppy fat. They're puppy fat knights! Jess was good but safe.
3 1/2 out of 5 Baby Meerkats.


Jack Black Chris Murphy
Good song choice. Not liking the left hand out flat like that, though. He's so Jack Black. He should sing "Tribute" one week. Yeah, he's good and all, but IS IT ENOUGH?? We'll see.
3 1/2 out of 5 Baby Meerkats.


Lavnia Williams
She looks hawt. Interesting song choice, too bad I fucking hate Evanescence. She is so much cooler than Emily. I liked that, balls to the wall sound. She did seem to strain a little. But she did it, she got it done. I don't like her "mm hmms" though. So fucking cliche. I reckon she and Marcia could have a whole conversation without using vowels. "Mmmhhmm Dhhrrrlnn."
3 out of 5 Baby Meerkats.


Dean Geyer
Why are they ending with this guy? He's so "meh" musically. Oh that's right, they've been shoving him down our throats BEFORE THE SHOW EVEN STARTED. HE WAS ON THE BLOODY ADS SINGING HIS CRAPPY LITTLE SOFT ROCK. He's practically already won. He looks a bit like James Marsden. PITCHY! He's fucking pitchy. For Christ sake (heh, quite literally), he's almost out of tune. Liked how he pointed to the drummer, though. Mark and I agree again on the pitch. Marcia's a joke.
2 out of 5 Baby Meerkats.


Generally, a weaker night than last week. I would've liked some more ROCK. None of this soft indy stuff of the last 10 years. No one rocked. Not even Chris, he chose rock parody. Ricky's still my favorite. I like Jessica and Bobby's improved in my eyes, I hope he continues too. Still can't warm to the bush trash loser that is Klancie. Dean's an idiot, so's Mutto. Marcia's a tool.

Once more:

Verdict:

I wonder if they will sing another medley tonight. I love those medleys, they're that really embarassing type of entertainment that makes you kinda cry.

This backstage preview is making me really like Bobby and Chris. James Mathison swings for me, sometimes he's ok, sometimes he's really annoying. He screams "scruffy boyfriend of a friend," one you know wont be around for long.

Yay! Guy. The original Christian Virgin (TM) and the best. Dean should bloody watch and fuckin' learn. Even though he's a Christian and, even worse, a virgin, and he verges on the preachy, he's still my favorite ever. I wonder if he's still a virgin?

Group performance is really showing the weakness of the girls. Dean, stop pointing at that goddamn camera. Yep, tears are swelling it's so uncomfortable. What's funnier: Bobby trying to dance, or Lisa trying to sing? Bobby, methinks. But in a good way.

"Oh Lord, give me the strength to not sleep my way to the top."

Source: Australian Idol website.

Reigan's out. That's too bad, she had potential. But she was never going to win it. What is fucked is the final 3: Mutto, Reigan, and RICKY. My favorite, one of the best performances of last night. What a joke. My bottom 3 would've been Dean, Lisa and Klancie. That result scares me a little bit, I hope the voters wake up. They pick favorites early on and are hardly swayed. Yikes. That song of Reigan's was pretty bad.

No. 1 Hits next week. How ironic (in the Morrisette usage) Reigan misses that. I hope it's better than this week.

Australian Idol - The 4th Judge #1

Well, the finals have begun. Australian Idol Season 4 has, so far, appeared an improvement on the 3rd season disaster of these as the final 3:

Source: SMH, Australian Idol Website.

I mean, it wouldn't take much. Yes, I do believe this season is on the up. The producers seem to have got what we mindless plebs want: more "stupid" auditions at the start, but not include them in any further episodes, less "semi-finals" with the shit top 30 where we already know who we want to vote for anyway because of advertising showing us our "favorites" before they've become our favorites, and more "quirky" contestants, and by "quirky" I mean guitar-playing songwriters. Of course.

So despite the presence of James Mathison, Andrew G, Marcia Hines, and Kyle Sandilands (I love love LOVE THAT IDIOT MARK HOLDEN! I want to make him my lady) I'm watching this series with guarded apprehension. There's still a chance it could run out of steam, and I was a bit disappointed Chris Graffiti didn't get in, but there's enough there for pointless good blog fodder.

On with the judging!

Show (Contestant's Choice):


Dean Geyer
Dean Geyer is a Christian Virgin (TM) and South African. That means he talks funny. He also is a weak singer-songwriter, and one of the weakest vocally. But he's also pretty. Too pretty. Its like the producers said "Hey, you know who was cool? Guy Sebastian. But he was ugly. Lets get someone pretty this time." He sang a song that was well suited to his image: soft, solo male pop-rock. Teddy Geiger. His voice sounded thin and he had pitch issues. But boy were those eyes pretty. At this stage I'm predicting top 3 at least. Less class than Sebastian.

Joseph Gatehau
He's gone. He shouldn't even be there. He can sing, but not mature enough. Richard Marx deserves better. Poor poor Richard Marx, so misunderstood. <----that's a joke.

Jessica Mauboy
Sung "Stickwitchu." What a beautiful title for a song. I know when I'm writing a song, I like to pretend I'm writing a text message with limited character space. She's got a nice, solid voice. That's promising. She's a bit too "cute." And Kyle was right, she did look Target. I predict a middle-of-finals exit.

Damian Leith
U2 (get it? He's Irish!) "With or Without You." He's got an amazing voice, with great falsetto, but he should watch for the overkill. He wont win. He may get top 4. He's not nearly as ugly as Kyle and Mark say.

Ricky Muscat
My brother's favorite. This kid's got a strong vocal talent and a nice energetic presence, but he can overkill a little on the "R&B Coolness." Nevertheless, he's a strong contender and has a likable style, and I'd like him to go far. Not sure, he's not quite pretty enough for me to predict a top 3 position, but we have to wait and see. Downside: he did sing Craig David.

Lisa Mitchell
The downside to promoting singer-songwriters is that you'll attract immature performers who are unable to break away from what they know and adapt their talents to a mass media form. Talents like Lisa need to work up their own narratives slowly so they gradually mature into fame. She's got limited vocals and an annoying (Missy Higgins anyone) diction habit, which she admirably holds onto but may alienate viewers after a while. Crowded House was a smart choice, but "Fall at Your Feet" was not. Casey Donovan got away with her awkwardness by being able to sing, Lisa may crumble.

Lavinia Williams
Not nearly as incredibly infuriating as her nasty (seriously, what a mean looking girl Emily was) and predictable sister, she has a class about her that I dig. Great song choice, I actually think Alicia Keys writes strong R&B pop, and has a shit-hot band but is not a good enough singer for them. Alicia's voice weakens under pressure. So it was nice to hear a confident, solid black voice sing her songs like they're meant to be sung. She wont win this competition, but she'll provide some nice renditions along the way. And kudos for the "puffin muffin" comment Holden. Comedy gold. Its so predictable who Kyle's going to rip into for style disasters, too.

Chris Murphy
I didn't like how the band and Chris inserted a snatch breath before and landed hard on the chorus of "Wish You Well." Mathison said the same joke that Jay and the Doctor said to Fanning at the Top 100 party earlier this year: "Why did you give up on Miso soup?" It wasn't funny then, and its still not. I can't believe that won top song of the year, I mean, its cute and whatever but not the best. Ahh Triple J, how I hate you more than ever lately. Still, a safe choice for Murphy, who I like with his Jack Black shtick and all. But he wont win.

Klancie Keough
Beware super harshness:
I HATE her. Hate hate hate. Here's the thing: I love country music. Love it, its one of my favorite genres. Its not a guilty pleasure because I actually think its a fucking kick-ass musical landscape, with some really beautiful artists and songs, one being "Jolene" and Dolly Parton. Klancie, you are a wet fish. You looked like a hooker with your flat stringy hair and $20 dress. You seriously looked totally trailer-trying-to-be-classy and I hated it. Cheap and dirty. Your voice lacks the resonance for pure country singing, and you just held it together pitch-wise. Unstable, ugly and annoying. I hope you're out next week. But you have the whole Australian-rural-land thing happening and I'm scared you'll attract the Shannon Noll crowd. Hate it all.

"Mutto"
I like you but you shouldn't be on Idol. Too old. And you're gutsy in a really safe way. That Eskimo Joe song you did a while ago was good but in a really un-risky way. I don't really get your appeal with the judges.

Reigan Derry
You're cute and you have some ability. But this is the second time you've chosen a song that you like to sing along with in your bedroom. Sometimes that's ok, but 1) you should remember that you're on a TV show, and 2) YOU AIN'T NO NOONAN. Seriously, Casey Donovan only just got away with it, and her voice was naturally suited (plus that song really resonated with her personal struggle), but I can hear your technique working really hard. Noonan has natural talent and technique, and she's very hard to match. Kyle, you make me sick. The fact that you don't know "Breathe in Now" or "Diamonds on the Inside" is beyond pathetic. But you are continually shot down from many angles so that's ok. Reigan will not win.

Bobby Flynn
Weirdness, you are. While you clearly can sing and write and have a lovely stage presence, and clearly have the maturity and cleverness for this competition (cf Lisa), I'm unconvinced of your genius. I like you, I like your open mind to the competition, your honesty, and you're sunny nature (Brisbane boys are cuties!), but the whole trying to coolify the competition and daggy songs thing may start to get old. Jury's still out, we'll see.

Frontrunners: Dean, Bobby, Damian, unfortunately Klancie.

Personal faves: Ricky, Jessica.

Embarrassment: Lisa, Klancie, Joseph, Dean.



Verdict:

Source: Australian Idol Website

Joseph's out. Thank God. He was so incredibly uncomfortable it was painful. Glad I don't have to sit through another one of his performances.


I think next week's theme is "rock". Gee, can't wait for Klancie and Lisa to shine.


See ya then.

___________________________________________________

In other news, meeting with my supervisor wasn't too bad. Phew.


Happy Birthday cutie!

No Comment!

After many failed attempts my homo sapian brain has learned that I cannot post comments on non-beta blogs. Classical conditioning has finally worked; I have associated commenting with not-working. So all y'all out there with just Blogger blogs, that's why I haven't been commenting. I thought it was a log-in problem, but I can't seem to get it working even when I'm logged in. Its very annoying as I've had many a thing to say in a few blogs. I think Blogger are working to fix it.

Bloody Google! I'm totally, like, a part of the Matrix now. Better watch my bank accounts.

In other news, I have lots of work to do. I've been spending too much time with a certain person I probably should not be seeing (although I've been relieved of their presence for the next two weeks, phew!) and I've been watching too much Australian Idol. Bobby Flynn...jury's still out. Still, I agree with most that the allowance of older-singer-songwriters into the comp has meant a higher standard of talent. This year's better than last year, which I barely watched it was so bad. Actually, I might start an Aus Idol round-up each week. I love my opinions on Idol. I'm fucking ON when it comes to Idol, man. Its my time to shine. <--- Please note the new low, people.

Although, for the next two months I think I'll be fairly scarce on my blog. Thesis crunch time is setting in.

So my apologies to Steph, Susanne, DelightfulJen, Audrey etc...everyone on my links list, for not commenting. I'm sure if I put more effort in I could figure out a way of commenting, but its probably best for my thesis if I don't. I'll be around.

There's a Boost Juice boy at Melbourne Central who flirts with girl customers. Much like the girls who work there flirt with you. Yesterday he went off on his break while I was waiting for my berry-crush-without-apple-juice-with-watermelon-juice-instead-if-that's-alright-please, and he came back to the counter, took the lid off the straw dispenser thing and CHECKED HIS HAIR IN THE REFLECTION OF THE LID. He then asked me "Is this ok?" I said yes, it looks fine. Except it wasn't fine. The hair looked crap and he'd just checked it in a Boost Juice straw dispenser. It was pretty far away from fine.

Finally, check me out. Its pretty scary when an informal e-mail I sent gets quoted as my "argument." It is essentially my argument, but it's so casually written it's a bit embarrassing. I never thought it would be picked up like that.

Even though no-one tagged me...

I haven't been tagged, so chances are you don't care, but I haven't written about myself too much. These things are far from being truly illustrating, but they're fun to read, I guess.

So, for a bit more about me:

Three things that scare me:
Whales
Rejection
Loosing my family

Three people that make me laugh:
My friend Becky
GOB from Arrested Development
Trumpet

Three things I hate the most:
Middle age men who patronise me
Feeling boxed in a slow moving crowd
Environmental damage

Three things I don't understand:
How somebody could actually kill someone else intentionally
Other languages
Foucault (shhhh! Don’t tell anybody!)

Three things I'm doing right now:
Not feeding my nagging cat
Listening to the radio
procrastinating

Three things I want to do before I die:
Live somewhere else, preferably alone
Have children
Watch the sunset with someone I love, spend the whole night with them, then watch the sunrise (I know, I know, indulge me this one thing please)

Three things I can do:
Play the euphonium
Public speak
Read maps, know where I’m facing and direct people places

Three ways to describe my personality:
Outwardly confident, inwardly insecure
Very warm and affectionate one minute, very reserved and blunt the next
Over-analysing over little things, impulsive and laid-back over big things

Three things I can't do:
Paint or play as well as I’d like
“Pick up”
Be “cool” - although I think through accepting this I get cooler

Three things I think you should listen to:
Bela Fleck and the Flecktones
Bach
Marvin Gaye

Three things you should never listen to:
current affair programs
Wagner – ugh
Anyone who doesn’t listen to you

Three things I'd like to learn:
the guitar
How to fix my guy problems
To make the most of my hair

Three favourite foods:
anything berry
Anything fried
I dunno, chocolate. I hate this question, I like all food.

Three beverages I drink regularly:
coffee
Water
Beer

Three shows I watched as a kid:
You can’t do that on television
Fraggle rock
Full House


Last thing you burned while cooking?
Sometimes I burn the coffee in the percolator…

Describe yourself in 3 words.
Affectionate, reserved, insecure

How long does it take you to get ready for your day?
Generaly 15-30 mins. Never more than 45 mins. If I’m getting ready for a very special occasion, then maybe about an hour.

Are you a health freak?
Not at all.

How many people have you thought were The One?
None, and I’m not sure I believe in that whole thing. But I fall in love easily. Quite deeply. Commitment is anther issue.

What turns you off about the opposite sex?
Ignorance, dullness, no connection, too much effort into following fashion trends.

What kind of car do you drive?
My mother’s Toyota. I had a corolla, but I totaled it. One of the worst moments of my life.

Favourite thing to toast to?
Another person.

What celebrity would you have coffee with?
John Mayer. I’m so his bitch. Or maybe Steve Martin. Older flirty me love me.

What celebrity would you not have sex with?
I dunno. Puff Daddy? Or maybe Oliver Stone. Ewwe!

What is the main ringtone on your mobile?
The Goonies R Good Enough. I’m NOT joking.


What were you doing at midnight last night?
Watching Ch 10 Sex and the City Rerun.

Last tv show you watched?
Oprah was just on, and it was one of her “favorite things” episodes. She was giving away new washer and dryer sets to the teachers in her audience. Oh, and cute cute CUTE track suits for them to look cute while they do their washing. Soooooo GRRRREEEATTTTT!!!!!!

Who is your best friend?
No one person. I have favorite people and people who know me very well and love me. I’m very close to my brother, mother and father. I have a close group of about 4 girls, and my ex, who I’m very open with.

Who in your family do you get along with?
See above. I have a large extended family, I’m close with one of my uncles and my two aunts.

What is your top 5 hollywood hottie list?
Easy: Kiefer Sutherland, Mos Def, Christian Bale, Joaquin Phoenix, and Nick Stahl. Runner up? Jake Gyllenhaal.

Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
Michael, you don’t know him

When/where was the last place you travelled?
Easter, BrisVegas

Sinful snacking weakness?
Hmmm, probably chocolate or chips. I love chips. Pretty un-weird

Best clothing style?
I wear a lot of skirts, but I’m quite un-stylised.

Ever run out of gas?
No

Worst date ever?
We went to see “The Aviator,” but accidentally walked into “Meet the Fockers,” which he’d already seen.

Personal records?
Most “likes” in a sentence, I guess.

What would you do if you could be the opposite sex for a day?
Hmm, be arrogant and a slob and get away with it. Sounds terrible, but it would be great to not feel under so much scrutiny.

Total jail time?
Well, there was that time in Mexico...

Have a crush on anyone you work with?
No, no cute boys at any job.

In your cd player right now?
Nothing, I tend to listen to the radio. Wynton Marsalis I listened to the other day.

What is something you believe in?
Myself, ultimately, I know nothing else for sure.

What is something you fear?
Whales, quite badly.

Big or small?
What? Big. Whatever.

Worst physical pain you ever experienced?
Physical pain? Coral poisoning in my foot. Pain shuddered up my leg, terrible.

Tell us something about your childhood?
I would torture my poor brother. The worst thing was not playing with him. He used to beg me to come play legos with him. I’d go and start something, then get bored and just walk away. He’d be so devastated. Now I compete for his attention.

Best time to catch you in a good mood?
Honestly don’t know. I could be having a shitty day and still be upbeat. I generally try to be cheery all the time.

If you could be anything for a day, what would it be?
A great musician

Most prized possession?
My eupho, this computer

Would you ever sell it?
Yes, yes

What is one of your pet peeves?
Slow walkers taking up footpaths.

Favourite actor/actress?
Nup, don’t do favorites. I hate a few though. Like Natalie “I went to Harvard, listen while I use big words ever so quaintly” Portman.

What song are you listening to right now?
Madonna’s on the radio. Crappy.

If you could sucker punch someone right now who would it be?
Who cares?

Any secrets?
Yes, plenty.

Unhealthy addictions?
Nervously biting my nails. Saying “sorry.”

Unhealthy fascinations?
Yes, but that’s a secret.

Favourite sexual position?
Depends on the type of sex one is having. What works best physically is not always what you want all the time.

What do you notice first about the opposite sex?
Centre of circle, part of circle, or out of the circle. Out of the circle is the best.

Favourite physical part of the opposite sex?
The neck, hands and upper chest.

What physical part would you change about yourself?
I’d like my legs and torso to be a bit longer. My shoulders less round, and my boobs just slightly smaller so I can wear singles without big bras in summer and shirts don’t gape.

Soft sensual sex or porn star sex?
Both.

Would you go on a date with someone you met online?
No, I can barely go out with someone I know for real.

Work attire?
Currently don’t work, but it wouldn’t be grey suits. Boring.

What is your best physical feature?
Depends who you ask. My hair, boobs and eyes tend to be the frontrunners. One of my girlfriends envies my legs, but they’re a bit chunky on top.

Do you think anyone actually has read this far?
Yes, because people are idiots.

THANKS FOR READING KIDS! YOU THE GREATEST!

Ways to know you're uncool...#54

Your mother offers you her __________, insisting she really really doesn't mind if you have some. Really.